Love, smarts, candy, other shit like that.

Shit is really quite romantic here about now. It’s snowing, and tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. Had this Valentine’s Day been like the other 17 Valentine’s Days I have thus experienced, I would be trudging about cold and pissed off, bitching about how capitalist consumerism is destroying what little culture we still possess. Instead, I am bitching about how capitalist consumerism is destroying what little culture we possess while also putting together Valentine’s Day shit for my boyfriend and best friend. Interesting.

Sometimes I try to picture what I look like from the outside, and I either see myself as someone quite intriguing or someone who is quite a piece of shit. I never imagine myself from an outer perspective as your everyday person. Except when I interpret “average” as “failure.” Then I definitely see myself as average.

Today, though, I realized how nice I must look from the outside. How smart and talented and articulate with the perfect amount of fucked-up to make me interesting. I remember, from before I was crazy, how beautiful and dramatic crazy looks when you’re not crazy. How glamorous. Sometimes I think people interpret me as mildly glamorous.

This is sounding dreadfully cocky.

The redemption is that it’s not true, though. I’m not glamorous. I’m not glamorously fucked up; I’m just fucked up. Mood swings looked really good on Monroe; they don’t quite fit as well on me. I may have wit and smarts and creativity, but I have done nothing with them. Nothing. I have gone through the spoiled private school system just like any other fucker. I have fallen into every trap. I have fit every stereotype. I was given the gifts to set myself apart in a wonderful way, and instead I isolated myself in the most moronic way possible.

People expect a lot from you when you’re handed humor and intelligence on a silver platter. And they should. And I have failed them.

I had the potential to create wonderfully funny and beautiful things – videos, perhaps, or art pieces – and I didn’t. I had the potential to study the hardest of subjects, develop a mastery for intense concepts, and I’m not going to. I am going to study Psychology just like every slacker in every city across this sad little planet.

I am not the smartest or funniest person ever, but I had the potential to be a lot, to develop into a lot, and instead I am only a little bit. I am just like anyone else except that I had the opportunity to be unlike everyone else and fucked it up.

My father is incredibly intelligent. He got a degree in electrical engineering. He took advanced circuits and Calculus LVIIII or whatever the fuck requirements EE has to graduate. He makes half a million dollars a year or more.

My mother is a social butterfly. There are maybe 2 people on the planet who actually dislike her; everyone else worships the ground she walks on. She is charming and friendly and pretty and thin.

I am supposed to be the combination of those two people.

I’m not.

And nothing reeks as horribly as wasted potential.

My upbringing always told me sacrifice was beautiful.

My boyfriend and I had this intense and wonderful conversation about our upbringings yesterday. I want to make it crystal clear that I don’t blame my parents for any sort of emotional or psychological neglect or crisis I experienced growing up. I don’t think people put their kids into Christian school with the hope that they’ll have some sort of existential crisis growing up, but that’s kind of what happened with me.

I’m sure I’m missing quite a few, but in summary, I was indoctrinated with the following beliefs, intentionally or otherwise:

• Catholicism is correct.
• In fact, I did not realize that “Catholic” and “Christian” were not synonymous until about the fifth grade.
• The other religions and lack thereof simply haven’t realized the Catholics are right yet. So we should pray for them.
• Homosexuality is weird and unnatural.
• Gays can be in a loving relationship as long as they don’t have sex or do most physical sexual activity.
• If you’re feeling any attraction to the same sex, it’s probably a phase you’re going through because of the liberal media promoting acceptance of such things.
• Feminists hate men.
• Expecting to be treated the same as a boy is silly.
• Girls should be ladylike.
• Boys will be boys.
• Girls are born “programmed” a certain way. Boys are born “programmed” a different way.
• Every time you have sex, you’re like a rose losing a petal.
• Men have a responsibility to try to control their out-of-control libidos. They should “be a man” and not have premarital sex.
• Girls have the responsibility to say no to crazy boys.
• Thus, girls are not as horny as boys. It is unnatural for girls to crave sex.
• It is unnatural for girls to masturbate.
• Making a guy come is expected, but if he makes you come, he is amazing.
• One abstinence demonstration involved having “volunteers” chew up Doritos and spit them into a glass of water. People who have sex before marriage are like water filled with backwash and scum.
• Thus sex is dirty unless it’s for the purpose of having children in a heterosexual married relationship.
• Denial of natural feelings is a good part of life that teaches you discipline. Look at Jesus’ sacrifice and the quotes of Mother Teresa. Pain is something to be celebrated.
• You are born already tarnished. Original sin is unavoidable; sin afterwards is unavoidable.
• Thus, the natural state and curiosity of human beings – including of children – is inherently bad in many ways.
• Asking too many questions is bad.
• Asking the wrong questions is bad.
• It’s better not to think too deeply about things.
• Even your thoughts can be sins.
• We should pray for sinners. They don’t realize what they do.
• Except for Satan. Praying for him is the same as worshiping him. And he existed/exists.
• Gaps or problems in atheist and agnostic reasoning are because they are wrong.
• Gaps or problems in Christian reasoning are because we as humans cannot understand God and will always be beneath him.
• Women cannot be priests. They are not called by God to do so. Jesus called men as his followers; those men called men as theirs. Directly quoted from the Catechism: “Ordination of women is not possible.”
• Abortion is wrong, no matter the circumstance. The Church recognizes “the moral evil of every abortion. The teaching has not changed and remains unchangeable.” No argument will ever persuade the Church to change its doctrine.
• Despite this, the Church has changed its beliefs regarding persecution of “heretics,” eating habits, homosexuality, mental illness, and limbo.
• Human life is sacred, but the death penalty is acceptable in some circumstances regardless.
• Direct quote from pamphlet: “If you want to have someone explain away or justify your sins, see a psychologist or psychiatrist.” Some Catholics are accepting of mental illness as a legitimate excuse for some supposed “sins.” Many are not.
• Premarital sex is a grave sin.
• Condoms are a sin.
• Contraception of all kind is a sin.
• Even if hormonal contraception helps women with period symptoms, it is a sin.
• Every time you have sex, you must willingly accept the fact that you could get pregnant and should see this as a good thing.
• Moses heard the voice of God in the sky and was a great prophet. David Koresh was just a batshit lunatic.
• When Moses went to kill Isaac, it was because God told him to do so and was an incredible display of his amazing faith. Andrea Yates was just a batshit lunatic.
• Every person deserves shelter, water, food, and love.
• However, asking the government to provide these things for all people is being a socialist, which is also a dirty word.
• Every atheist is an asshole.
• Every agnostic just can’t make up their mind.
• God will help you through any illness.
• God is fair.
• If you don’t think God helped you through your illness or is fair, you are ignorant.
• The Pope’s doctrines are infallible. They are never wrong.
• The crazy-ass Popes of history were just flukes. There can’t be a crazy pope nowadays.
• We live in a “culture of death.”
• You should always be on the lookout for propaganda from the media and from your friends and from everywhere.
• You should always be paranoid that you’re being tarnished, that you’re wrong.
• You should always be paranoid.

 

Okay, cool.

I’m likely getting my Xanax prescription filled later. That’s the kind of day/week/year/life I’m having. Cool shit.

I’ve been working on yearbooks for three years now. When I was in high school, it was a real solace for me. I loved design and getting to stalk people’s pictures and so on and so forth. In college, it’s hell. I get paid almost $500 a year for it (whereas I normally do it for free), and it’s still hell. We get no photos, no assistance, nobody responds to e-mails, and our deadlines are ridiculous. I had three pages due finals week, and the editor-in-chief didn’t answer my e-mails to her and later acknowledged there was no way I could have gotten them in in time due to a lack of photos and help. Nevertheless, my pay got cut.

The fuck.

I also have no idea what’s going on in my relationship right now. I can barely determine how I feel about my shoes today, let alone my nearly-half-a-year relationship. I am not used to dealing with things on this level, and it scares the fuck out of me.

Plus, he loves me, and I don’t love him. And the guilt from that is overwhelming sometimes. I just can’t feel it, though. I don’t feel it. I don’t love anyone or anything, honestly, including myself. The closest I ever got to loving was my mild addiction to a fat blue cat. And I had to kill said cat via lethal injection. Love is not my thing.

My fear of dependence is astounding. To the point, ironically, that I probably become dependent.

The gods like to fuck with my brain, apparently.

I’ve been going back and reading old posts, and I ended up deleting about 150 of them. This blog was approaching 500 posts. It’s now at 300 and something. Most of the deleted ones were stupid shit, projects I never pulled through on, mindless complaining. But I will admit I deleted some of the intense ones. I just didn’t want them there; they were not worthy of existence.

I’m also considering removing comments entirely from the blog. I probably won’t do it, but it’s floating in my brain. Sometimes I feel like all I get is nothing, complaints, or spam. And to be brutally honest, at this point in my life and blog, I don’t care what anyone has to say. If you want to have a conversation with me and talk to me, that’s awesome, but you may have to do it via e-mail now.

I don’t know. I just feel detached from the universe. Nothing is what it was.

I often feel like I have no friendships. I often feel like I don’t really feel. The only things I feel are anger and disappointment and stress. I’ve lost my appetite; I haven’t eaten since yesterday evening and it’s now 1 o’clock. I’ve even lost my sex drive, which means you know shit is bad.

I am desireless. I desire nothing. I want to lie in my bed and cry for an hour and then fall asleep and not wake up until March. That’s reasonable, right?

No. It’s not. I have no reason. I have no reason to be this unhappy. I am one of the most privileged people in the world, quite literally, and I am not happy. That is pathetic.

I get angry at the drop of a hat. I’m angry all the time. I don’t know why. I hate anger. I don’t know why. I don’t know.

Sometimes it feels like my soul has just died inside of me. At times, it seems I no longer have a conscience, no longer have any grasp on or care for the emotions of other people. I am some sort of demon. I have destroyed or am destroying my relationship with everyone. All I do is go to class, attempt to function, go back to my room. The old in-out no longer means fucking.

I am not living right now. I am existing. Floating.

Things will turn up. I know that. Years of going through this shit have taught me that. But right now, they are turned down, and that is just the fact of the matter.

Conclusions.

Reblogged from Cat the Beatnik:

I’ve always been a believer in self-analysis. When you’re a narcissist, you tend to promote the popularity of doing nothing but thinking about yourself. We all must admit: you lose a bit of culpability if everyone else is doing it too. And today, as I was greedily and guiltily consuming my third Krispy Kreme donut (No, I would not like to know the Nutrition Facts, thanks), I came to a conclusion about myself. So here goes. I am an easy person to like and an impossible person to love. Explanation: First …

It’s disturbing how this post is still completely true 3 years later. My mind is blown.